sheryl crow soak up the sun (what i felt when i found out spence was gay)

I really like this....I have been looking on alot of the gay mormon married blogs lately...back when I was married to spence the gay-dentist I could not figure out his angst...i mean we married in the temple, dated only 5 months before he proposed, kissed alot while dating etc. so when he really didn't enjoy married life, I was perplexed.

You see, spence and I were best friends when we met. I was dating an orthopedic surgeon, very straight and i dumped the poor guy for spence. I'll never forget when the o.s. (gotta be careful he's married now and living in the same state as me, the orthopod i mean) anyway this o.s. asked spence "what are your intentions with kittywaymo(well, he said my name) this is at a singles dance mind you.

spence said, "there's nothing going on, i'm dating patti (who just got off her mission, cute big chested blonde, but not very well-read, shall we say) anyway, needless to say spence and i got together one month later when a friend at the radio station i worked with took the discussions, u-c spence was the mission leader of the ward. I sometimes get miffed there were no "gaydar" signs for me to follow while i dated spence. Sure he was the first guy in my life that never tried to feel me up...and I'm pretty unendowed in the chest dept (very endowed in the lds dept thought:)

I found it odd cause even the orthopedic surgeon had the wondering hands syndrome but was a very good sport when I tried to keep us "moral".

Spence, he would be the one in control of the "moral" dept. He would stop us if we got too hot and heavy with the kissing. I never gave it a second thought. He said he loved kissing, we would kiss for hours, he's dentist I trusted his professional expertise in the maxiofacial/mouth area.

But on our honeymoon i guess i knew something wasn't right, but being that i didn't have alot of experience, i wasn't sure just what.

Well, i'll post more later, i find i need humour when talking about spence and i's relationship cause it was very painful...imagine that a painful dentist...as a former dentist wife....i needed love Nitrous.. dr. bh came along...,my current husband and boy...am i getting the high of my life now with a heterosexual man. It is very different. I feel fulfilled emotionally sexually and as a person.

with spence, i felt like i was constantly giving, giving my unconditional love, support for his depression, mood swings and anger, drained of any nurishment that i so desperately needed to retain. I was so perplexed because he would always say "you are the only woman i ever loved" little did i know at the time, he really meant it! But when he suggested we live as "roommates" during our marriage, and why can't we go back to the way it was when we were best friends...(intellectually we really hit it off) i was floored.

I don't know how i feel about married mixed orientation couples because i suffered so very much in my marriage to spence. It was so exhausting being upbeat, sprititual and "strong" all the time. He never told me before we were married he was gay, but i did find pics of he and some friends nude from behind on a camping trip they had...i know, i can hear those who may be reading this going..."brokeback mountain...hello!" but when you are in love you accept the explanation..."we only had one bathing suit and wanted to go down the natural slip and slide into the lake...boy i could have fun with that previous sentence but i'm trying to keep my blog rated g.

I believed him! First of all, i discovered the pics cause i was nosey and going through a drawer in the living room while he was seeing patients and drilling teeth.. when i asked him, he looked flushed and laughed nervously. His explanation sounded innocent after all, it was "from the back" not frontal nudity. I never stopped to think till years later that..."why did he have these pics years later in the drawer in his living room under some papers?"

Ahhhh how naive...even though i have a genius i.q. i listened to my heart not my intellect and it told me "i believe you because i love you".

Well, someone suggested (another lds woman married who was married to a gay mormon man) that "isolation and secrecy are the greatest weapon Satan uses against us to destroy us" as an lds dentists wife back then, with all the prestige, married in the temple etc. i was mortified with what i later discovered in his dental school boxes... (no its not cadaver body parts...although dentists are known for their insanity...so are high i.q.'s though...)

It was a letter written to BYU newspaper saying the author is attracted to men but knows someday the Lord will bless him with a beautiful daughter of God who he can take to the Temple and there be sealed for all time and eternity...I was that "beautiful young lady" we were indeed sealed in the temple, and what began later was a rollercoaster ride that I am now just getting over, 9 years later....

My current obgyn husband is very supportive of my blogging. I feel so very blessed to have him in my life. I guess now that i feel safe, secure and happy its time to just forgive and move on. I have forgiven spence and moved on, but emotionally i feel he took something from me that i am just now replenishing. Alot of women married to gay mormon men who are NOT out of the closet yet relate to my feelings.

It is very difficult trying to act like everything is perfect when one is living in a twilight zone episode....

other elements like his working for ihs, moving me across the country far away from the support of my family and his, the explosive anger he exhibited and the decision i faced, all led to me getting my very own depression and anger.

I have worked through alot of the anger and feelings of being betrayed, but the problem is...he is still in the closet, never went to his Bishop etc.. and so when i left him and divorced him i had people judge me, and that hurt.

I feel it is not my place to report him to the Church or tell his current wife. She seems very sweet and innocent, and i often feel she is just as confused as me. I am too much of a coward to talk to her however. SOOO i am conflicted. Should i call her and tell her "hey, been there done that, do you need any help coping?" or should i mind my own business as yet another good lds girl gets her heart ripped out and smashed on the floor by a Narcissistic Dentist..(hey isn't that an oxymoron?)

well, i'm hoping this blogging thing and Heavenly Father can help me do the right thing, whatever that is. I hope i can truly forgive spence someday, and also not feel guilty for leaving him and divorcing him instead of "sticking it out".

These other women married to gay men, who KNEW they were marrying gay men are amazing to me...I guess i'm too logical to "stick it out" and saw the huge writing on the wall. BEING MARRIED TO A GAY MORMON MAN AS A STRAIGHT MORMON GIRL =NOTHIN' BUT PAIN AND HEARTACHE...and dangerously depleting levels of low self-esteem in the heapfulls...

My friend the communist 
Holds meetings in his RV
I can't afford his gas
So I'm stuck here watching TV
I don't have digital
I don't have diddly squat
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

[CHORUS:]
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Gonna tell everyone 
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up o I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I've got a crummy job
It don't pay near enough
To buy the things it takes
To win me some of your love
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe i am crazy too

[CHORUS]

I'm gonna soak up the sun
While it's still free
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Before it goes out on me
Don't have no master suite
I'm still the king of me
You have a fancy ride, but baby
I'm the one who has the key
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe I am crazy too 

[CHORUS]

I'm gonna soak up the sun
Got my 45 on
So I can rock on.