sheryl crow soak up the sun (what i felt when i found out spence was gay)

I really like this....I have been looking on alot of the gay mormon married blogs lately...back when I was married to spence the gay-dentist I could not figure out his angst...i mean we married in the temple, dated only 5 months before he proposed, kissed alot while dating etc. so when he really didn't enjoy married life, I was perplexed.

You see, spence and I were best friends when we met. I was dating an orthopedic surgeon, very straight and i dumped the poor guy for spence. I'll never forget when the o.s. (gotta be careful he's married now and living in the same state as me, the orthopod i mean) anyway this o.s. asked spence "what are your intentions with kittywaymo(well, he said my name) this is at a singles dance mind you.

spence said, "there's nothing going on, i'm dating patti (who just got off her mission, cute big chested blonde, but not very well-read, shall we say) anyway, needless to say spence and i got together one month later when a friend at the radio station i worked with took the discussions, u-c spence was the mission leader of the ward. I sometimes get miffed there were no "gaydar" signs for me to follow while i dated spence. Sure he was the first guy in my life that never tried to feel me up...and I'm pretty unendowed in the chest dept (very endowed in the lds dept thought:)

I found it odd cause even the orthopedic surgeon had the wondering hands syndrome but was a very good sport when I tried to keep us "moral".

Spence, he would be the one in control of the "moral" dept. He would stop us if we got too hot and heavy with the kissing. I never gave it a second thought. He said he loved kissing, we would kiss for hours, he's dentist I trusted his professional expertise in the maxiofacial/mouth area.

But on our honeymoon i guess i knew something wasn't right, but being that i didn't have alot of experience, i wasn't sure just what.

Well, i'll post more later, i find i need humour when talking about spence and i's relationship cause it was very painful...imagine that a painful dentist...as a former dentist wife....i needed love Nitrous.. dr. bh came along...,my current husband and boy...am i getting the high of my life now with a heterosexual man. It is very different. I feel fulfilled emotionally sexually and as a person.

with spence, i felt like i was constantly giving, giving my unconditional love, support for his depression, mood swings and anger, drained of any nurishment that i so desperately needed to retain. I was so perplexed because he would always say "you are the only woman i ever loved" little did i know at the time, he really meant it! But when he suggested we live as "roommates" during our marriage, and why can't we go back to the way it was when we were best friends...(intellectually we really hit it off) i was floored.

I don't know how i feel about married mixed orientation couples because i suffered so very much in my marriage to spence. It was so exhausting being upbeat, sprititual and "strong" all the time. He never told me before we were married he was gay, but i did find pics of he and some friends nude from behind on a camping trip they had...i know, i can hear those who may be reading this going..."brokeback mountain...hello!" but when you are in love you accept the explanation..."we only had one bathing suit and wanted to go down the natural slip and slide into the lake...boy i could have fun with that previous sentence but i'm trying to keep my blog rated g.

I believed him! First of all, i discovered the pics cause i was nosey and going through a drawer in the living room while he was seeing patients and drilling teeth.. when i asked him, he looked flushed and laughed nervously. His explanation sounded innocent after all, it was "from the back" not frontal nudity. I never stopped to think till years later that..."why did he have these pics years later in the drawer in his living room under some papers?"

Ahhhh how naive...even though i have a genius i.q. i listened to my heart not my intellect and it told me "i believe you because i love you".

Well, someone suggested (another lds woman married who was married to a gay mormon man) that "isolation and secrecy are the greatest weapon Satan uses against us to destroy us" as an lds dentists wife back then, with all the prestige, married in the temple etc. i was mortified with what i later discovered in his dental school boxes... (no its not cadaver body parts...although dentists are known for their insanity...so are high i.q.'s though...)

It was a letter written to BYU newspaper saying the author is attracted to men but knows someday the Lord will bless him with a beautiful daughter of God who he can take to the Temple and there be sealed for all time and eternity...I was that "beautiful young lady" we were indeed sealed in the temple, and what began later was a rollercoaster ride that I am now just getting over, 9 years later....

My current obgyn husband is very supportive of my blogging. I feel so very blessed to have him in my life. I guess now that i feel safe, secure and happy its time to just forgive and move on. I have forgiven spence and moved on, but emotionally i feel he took something from me that i am just now replenishing. Alot of women married to gay mormon men who are NOT out of the closet yet relate to my feelings.

It is very difficult trying to act like everything is perfect when one is living in a twilight zone episode....

other elements like his working for ihs, moving me across the country far away from the support of my family and his, the explosive anger he exhibited and the decision i faced, all led to me getting my very own depression and anger.

I have worked through alot of the anger and feelings of being betrayed, but the problem is...he is still in the closet, never went to his Bishop etc.. and so when i left him and divorced him i had people judge me, and that hurt.

I feel it is not my place to report him to the Church or tell his current wife. She seems very sweet and innocent, and i often feel she is just as confused as me. I am too much of a coward to talk to her however. SOOO i am conflicted. Should i call her and tell her "hey, been there done that, do you need any help coping?" or should i mind my own business as yet another good lds girl gets her heart ripped out and smashed on the floor by a Narcissistic Dentist..(hey isn't that an oxymoron?)

well, i'm hoping this blogging thing and Heavenly Father can help me do the right thing, whatever that is. I hope i can truly forgive spence someday, and also not feel guilty for leaving him and divorcing him instead of "sticking it out".

These other women married to gay men, who KNEW they were marrying gay men are amazing to me...I guess i'm too logical to "stick it out" and saw the huge writing on the wall. BEING MARRIED TO A GAY MORMON MAN AS A STRAIGHT MORMON GIRL =NOTHIN' BUT PAIN AND HEARTACHE...and dangerously depleting levels of low self-esteem in the heapfulls...

My friend the communist 
Holds meetings in his RV
I can't afford his gas
So I'm stuck here watching TV
I don't have digital
I don't have diddly squat
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

[CHORUS:]
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Gonna tell everyone 
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up o I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I've got a crummy job
It don't pay near enough
To buy the things it takes
To win me some of your love
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe i am crazy too

[CHORUS]

I'm gonna soak up the sun
While it's still free
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Before it goes out on me
Don't have no master suite
I'm still the king of me
You have a fancy ride, but baby
I'm the one who has the key
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe I am crazy too 

[CHORUS]

I'm gonna soak up the sun
Got my 45 on
So I can rock on.

Special Offers...

i would love to be a "special offer" serial killer. It would be worth hunting down and then in a very painful way, anniliating "special offer" emails with surveys that go on forever and ever only to get some lame "dinner for two at pizza hut". Ok ok, my iq is 164, i am indeed a textbook genius, every now and again i stoop below hovering near 120-130 (only when filling out an online survey...which i've only done, thankfully once in my life!)

I hate junk mail, junk email, bull---offers etc etc. basically being "hussled"or hassled actually.

I on the otherhand, realize the irony as a retired cnn headline news radio journalist the stuff i dished up at times was truly artistic and masterfully written and spoken...i was the best female newscaster in the u.s. for radio anyway.

Well, just needed to get that out! I love my family and friends. my step daughter J is SOOOO BEAUTIFUL! I am very excited to see her sweet beautiful big brown eyes and happy, kind personality...(this is not meant to be sarcastic, she really is beautiful and I love her very much!) I also get to see my "miss arizona" gorgeous other stepdaughter, K. Boy my husband is not only a fabulous obgyn, sexy doctor...but he sure makes cute babies....whether delivering them or...I digress.


I am so happy to be heterosexual, because my husband is VERY hetero (unlike my exhusband, a dentist and VERY homosexual, but a nice guy is a best-girl-friend-kinda-way...and when he wasn't freaking on me...or about me) anyway...Because Dr. H and I are true soulmates, he literally feels like a part of me. I love the way he does surgery, delivers a baby, comforts me , loves me, walks with me and travels with me... He graduated with honors from med school.. i am very lucky indeed!

I have dated:

Neurosurgeon (from s. africa, white guy, too rich and a little bit stuck up but otherwise nice and cute
2 dentists 1. my ex, very nice, except men turn him on, and me being a woman...well it was a problem...hence my divorcing him for dr. h. and subsequent marriage in which i blissfully reside!
2. dentist, adorable lds guy from seattle, very kind, gentle,, i think he must have thought i was crazy. ..you had to be there.. but he is very cute, and if you are reading this "dentist from seattle", i am sorry for being so confused & dropping out of sight...you were definately a fun and cute transitional man.

orthopedic surgeon, . very cute,nice intelligent...but it felt too much like i was dating a "brother". yes he is lds, i watched him perform back surgery, did a great job (i'm also an emt, and kinda consider myself an MD without the degree). But whenhe made rounds and pulled the morphine pump from his poor patient, i thought he was rather strict... he told his patient, who had the saddest look of pleading in his eyes, "ummm, its been 2 days since your major lumbar back surgery, lets get rid of the morphine pump" (i think i was gonna punch him out for the poor patient.. i wanted to sneak back and reconnect it for him...percocet...givemeabreak!!! for major back surgery????) I would have titrated him down after like 3 and a half days. gave him some vicoden cause it has motrin an anti-inflammatory and some narcotic, and a cold/heat pack regimen and light stretching ...

Well, i am happy i picked the obgyn, bruce is so tender, loving, kind, merciful, funny, cute, sexy, know what to do, where to do it, where to find it and fix it...well ok, this is getting a little steamy but seriously, after 10 years of marriage I am so in love with this man i cant believe it!

Well, i am also grateful he is an excellent mormon guy too... he love the Lord and the Gospel so much! We pray together all the time, both love to do geneology (he's the one that found my great grandpa from Athens Greece, he was a Pharmacist. I always thought of myself as a eccentric scientist...but nonviolent of course. Just very curious... i love the lab! I have a sort of lab in my house in the kitchen... i want to create a much nicer one someday.

Love, Kittywaymo