Born That Way? As A Scientist, I Disagree Strongly...

Ok.. finally a more serious post...

I was discussing homosexuality with dr. h the other day and after reading various journals, studies, NARTH articles etc.. I came to my own hypothesis with the help of my intelligent geneticist dr. h.

u-c dr. h took genetics with dr. cecil jacobson....the father of artificial insemination..he took his honors class! besides, dr h is a high risk pregnancy obgyn, surgeon and scientist...his theory, which i fully am in agreement with is the following..

Men who are homosexual, bisexual or SSA in or out of the lds church are in a state of "arrested development" as dr h puts it. he says "take an average 13 year old boy and put him next to a gay man (not literally, figuratively) and you have one and the same behavioral patterns, idiosyncrasies etc.

Narcissistic
Insecure
Did i say Narcissistic?
J.R. Tolkien
Star Wars
Scarlet Pimpernel
X-box? debatable
Harry Potter
Did I say Harry Potter?
Narth scientific journal article says... "overwhelmed by the feminine, they HATE being controlled in any way"
Freudian "potty" and bodily function preoccupation
Anger
Frustration
Depression


Ok, the last three are frequently present in adult gay males. But I can see where the logic follows. My ex S. was very narcissistic. Everything was about HIM. HIS pain, HIS depression, HIS bad childhood, HIS therapy sessions, HIS medications, HIS use of nitrous etc. HIS not wanting anyone to control him, or help him. He was so preoccupied with his issues, he didn't realize the rest of us, his family were becoming worn out!

back to the theory.. One study:

First year of all gay relationships, 60% of partners cheat on one another.
After first year, 90%, my goodness 90%!! cheat of their significant other.
Where is the security? the perseverance? The commitment?

Another study talks about the physical obsession gay men have with their body's shape, waist line, look. I love looking pretty and being in top shape, walking etc. So this is not really a problem area for me. But the difference is, if one is expecting their partner to be in perfect shape, stay physically top etc. and they fail to meet this expectation, most women will stay with their husbands if they gain/loose weight, get seriously ill etc. This study shows statistically this does not happen typically in the gay relationship. U know the Abrecrombie and Finch ads representing what they want in a partner.. as unrealistic as the Glamour ads are for women!

This fixation on the physical body reminds me of the awkward teenage years of any boy or girl. Its ok to want to look beautiful. I've always tried to look pretty etc. and some people in my family would call me a "perfectionist" in every way....My nickname at University was Diane from Cheers...Yup, i admit watching cheers on boxset this week with dr. h, is very spooky at times... I used to be told I looked like shelly long also, and finally saw cheers and was floored! but i digress...but i think even my gay friends will agree with me, that the physical is top on their list of what they want in a partner. Sex is important, one of Maslow's Basic Needs (the ladder rungs, i think it was 3rd from the top!)

Women seem to have qualities etc. that are needed during these times in a marriage. Think Carol Lynn Pearson taking care of her gay husband who died of AIDS. SHE was by his side day and night. Where was his narcissistic gay lover? Where was his boyfriend? Friends? They bailed on him.

I know their are exceptions, but they are few and far in-between.

Back to the arrested development theory.

Most of these men act like they are stuck between the ages of 12-16. Alot of men and women have had Same Sex attraction and even experienced experimentation, but they move on to adulthood and usually continue their life into heterosexuality. Which incidentally perpetuates the species, homosexuality most definitely does not. Although for unexplained reasons (scientific data lacking) gay men do reproduce with heterosexual women and have children, then continue to live gay lifestyle. I would love to see a study someday as to why this is. The most obvious answer is their need to create a posterity, children etc.

Anyway, dr. h feels that admiration of another boy/man etc. is very normal, but when it is sexualized that's when the trouble begins. I must say at this point that I have various gay friends in and out of the Church. I love them very much and do not blame them for their ssa. I am trying to discover why there are so many lds ssa coming out now and in the last 5 years.

I think it is that we live in a Telestial World. Environment + the personality of the child have to do with the grade of homosexuality in a person. Dominating, controlling moms with shy, sensitive boys seem to be a lethal mixture. My ex-husband's mom was controlling and very abusive. He was very withdrawn etc. Even though I am not controlling, he would identify me with his mom because of my activity in the lds church (very active).It was very sad to think of him as a child, and how truly mean she was to him. This is why i guess i forgive him and feel bad for him.
I think dr. h has something here. I do believe gay men are in a state of arrested development, emotionally hovering between 12-16. They still have the intelligence to go on to become Drs., dentists, lawyers, whatever, but emotionally, just like teen boys, are self-absorbed, immature and self-centered. In terms of them being fathers and husbands, the wives become "mother" to them as well as their children. Again, this is very emotionally draining for the woman married to the gay man. According to NARTH psych studies, these men started out associating with the feminine, then went on to dad associating with the masculine, but somewhere along the way, mom's controlling, over-molding behavior for her lack of emotional fulfillment with her own husband, is perpetrated on the little boy, then he doesn't quite connect with dad, hits his teens, has a sexual experience or two..either by choice, or through molestation, does not wish to date/associate with girls, and then continues on to homosexuality. Environment...not nature/born that way....Heavenly Father would not frustrate his own plan of happiness by sentencing these poor souls to such an awful fate. I believe these brothers and sisters had one or more of the above experiences in their early development and on... I'm speaking about birth to 3 years old, 3-5, 5-7, 8-11 etc..etc.

Well, not very scientifically put, but in my heart as a former gay mans wife, it makes perfect sense to me. I did love my former mother in law very much. I was devastated to hear the things she did and the lack of warmth she showed to my ex. According to him and other family members, she loved little babies and children up till age 6, she was very affectionate etc, then would cut off the affection and become abusive toward ages 7-up.

Very sad indeed. Well, My bishop is my home teacher and we were speaking about this today. He is very kind and loving. He is very intelligent and a professional man and agreed. I realize these are just opinions, but amongst the three of us and the many, many other professionals, wives of gay men in the Church I've met and therapists in and out of the Church, we seem to agree that these personality traits seem consistant.

I am intrigued reading some of the gay, married and lds blogging. Most of these men must not be too busy at their jobs to see the various times they are posting. One man blogs daily, posts morning noon and night and is a physician. My husband, an ob would never find the time with delivering 30 babies a month and surgery 4x a week! Then I discovered his green out of med school, that explains it! I often wonder if these men shouldn't be putting some of this energy into their marriages, the gospel, dailly scripture reading etc. Pres. Kimball use to say that without daily, intense scripture study, even he felt like he would drift away from the Lord. I am trying with dr. h to study 1 hour a day (just started!) it makes a difference to take the focus of the sin of the world etc. and back on to wholesome, gospel topics.

I needed to get these thoughts out, and I feel like blogging is a way to do this. I am being judgemental but honest when I say that I wonder what their wives (lds gay bloggers) lives are like, well I know very well what I think they are like but I mean knowing my ex husband was corresponding with other gay mormon men would not have helped me feel good. I think there is alot of titillation that goes on amongst these men. Alot of flirting if you will. They seem to try to impress one another much like a teen boy would do with a girl with their knowledge and wit.

I just find it interesting to see the dynamics in their blogging. I guess I am a true labrat...i love experimentation and the results and then re-examining data.

I kinda started my own experiment for now unpublished, on gay mormon married blogging. I see benefits but definate drawbacks to this. 1. these guys have professional jobs, some seem to post 5:30am, all throughout the day and night etc. I know that getting it out is good, but talking about your children naked and bathing seems inappropriate given that most married gay mormon men suffer with porn and masterbation problems and addictions. I would think corresponding with other bloggers with the same "addictions" pull triggers.

Anyway, that's just my opinion.

I don't know what the answer is for spence and others. I know the Lord is Love and so their is great hope and love for these brothers and sisters and their upbringing/trials. Just like we heterosexuals have our issues and temptations and backgrounds and yet are still expected to choose the right and follow the counsel of the Prophet, homosexual/ssa lds are expected to adhere to the commandments, filter thoughts of sight and sound and let only clean thoughts enter therein....

For as a man thinketh, so is he. So hetero/homosexuals both have to try to stay away from porn, stay morally clean, keep their thoughts clean etc.

lds.org has an excellent resource for this on the provident living link called "addiction and recovery" manual

I do not think spence was "born that way". I do believe through a series of very sad and unfortunate incidences he "became" ssa. He tried to do what is right by marrying in the temple.. but he should have given me the option to not marry him and save myself the pain and heartache. Again, I feel the men who are honest with their wives before marriage are amazing as are their wives.

I still love the men who are not honest with their wives, and out of the closet. I just feel that they are creating a slow poison that will eventually overtake them, their marriage and family. It is impossible to have such a clandestine relationship with a spouse and not suffer divorce etc. That is what I think happened to me and spence.

When i fell in love with dr. h, spences mom over the phone told me "spence drove you to fall in love with another man". I felt so bad for spence when i heard that from her. It was nice for her to understand my position, but i knew he needed her support, not me.

His dad, a very nice guy, flew out and took care of him when i moved out and started divorce proceedings. My heart did break for him and the pain i was causing him. I didn't wish to "get even" My anger did not come till years later. Delayed reaction i guess. I would listen to him plead for me to stay married to him etc. but i had to be true to myself and my needs. Not in a narcissistic way, but a realistic way.