KITTYWAYMO'S MORMON MINDSPACE
Happily married doctors wife, ex-husband~ gayldsdentist, blogging is cheaper than therapy
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
To my friend Ron,
Monday, January 22, 2007
today we are cleaning out the "drug drawers" and cabinets. we are both packrats and have saved every sample, goodyfrompharmacyrep, old scripts and new mooremedical supplies for the fam you can imagine.
i love medline 'cause when we look at a generic that pharmacy spelled incorrectly they'll correct spelling and if you have something onhand, say an injectable that you honest to goodness don't remembering ordering or have a clue whats the indication you can go AAAAH MEDLINE... kinda like AAAH BACH...
anyway, we have doublesided tape and we sat down and made labels/stickys for the tops of the bottles so we can see them as we open the big drawers.. i am so proud of our organizational skills!
Sunday, January 21, 2007
What to Expect as a Straight Female Spouse of a GayMormonMan
I've been thinking of this topic a lot lately for the YSA program, ok my fantasy Churchwise would be a course of sorts, you know,
like the Catholics have marriage prep classes. this would be the mormongay/straight temple class... I'm not just yet ready to suggest it to my bishop, but what would be the harm to have regular marriage prep classes that discuss sex, financial issues, backgrounds, children, careers, etc.? ok, but insert the gay partner/straight partner and discuss the same issues...sex, financial issues, temptations, children, etc. etc.
so i came up with my own little list. Please keep in mind this is VERY subjective as in former spouse of gaymormondentist stuff, but i'm sure some things can be extrapolated.
The up side:
1. excellent conversationalist
2. very neat and tidy
3. good dresser
4. fun to eat goodies and treats with, and cook with
5. kind and compassionate and yes, affectionate
6. good sense of humor, scarlet pimpernel meets the simpsons
7. usually very well read. When i met spencer i had a copy of "Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" in the trunk of my miata and he actually KNEW that it was not a mechanics guide for women!
8. music, music and more music!:)
the down side:
ok just kidding, relax, remember i like to use humor when remembering my own pain with dr. burnett. (spence)
4. The Dentist 1 & 2
5. Watching the Dentist 1 & 2 with Spence and noticing that there are striking similarities between he and That dentist up on our big screen.
6. Watching the postman always rings twice and fighting over the hottie that comes to take the lead girl away from her boring life.
7. Watching brad pitt in that horses movie, you know, where the girl is in love with brad, but the brother who seems very gay was in love with her instead, i can't remember the name, epic piece...
8. having cute bishopric and hometeachers, not a problem for me, but spence had an actual crush on the first counselor(straight) i used to get embarrassed because i was so jealous!
9. ok, i've been delaying it, not because i'm a prude, i absolutely love sex, here goes...
a. one time spence dressed up as a missionary at lunch time, i'm talking name tags and everything, i will spare details but i did not apparently play the investigator, he wanted me to be the elder burnett!lol!
b. He loved kissing and cuddling, which was very cool, but when i wanted more, i got the brush off. First time in my life, not to be conceited, so it was a shocker!
c. Lack of intimacy in the intimacy...only another straight woman/gayman would understand that reference. No real "connection" no "hot and heavy" its possible, but for me it was nonexistent.
d. One time he announced female genitalia were unattractive and quickly added so was male genitalia. I said "why on earth do you think that?" he said, well in dental school i missed gross anatomy when the male parts were dissected. Ok i thought, what---ev---er!
e. being very feminine and dressing as such (me i mean) spence loved me in his t-shirts and baggy shorts etc, no make-up. He used to take tons, i mean a lot of pics of me, camping, hiking etc. I do believe he was attracted to me and found me attractive. But if i ever did frilly or pretty with makeup etc. he would tell me "it grosses me out!" so i had to dress down, or wear scrubs a lot.
f. I missed out on "the look". i don't mean zoolander! great flick though. I mean the look like "i want you so much" "i think you're hot" you get it.
I guess other concerns would be: complete honesty, which would be painful at times. Children, when and how to tell them?
Jealousy..if you've seen brokeback mountain, which made me cry...a lot! the wife reminded me a lot of myself. I cried for all those involved, and for the hate-mongers who's senseless murder of the boyfriend was so sad.
well, i'm going to sleep, my husband doesn't want me to dwell in large doses about my past, good rx from a very great doctor!
Thing One's Poem, so beautifully written
Thing One and Thing Two are our joy. They are wonderful traveling companions when we go up to the Tetons, Sedona, California, etc. etc. Intelligent, beautiful, fun-loving.. they keep us on our toes! Thing one is our artist/poet. A very sensitive soul, she was a little upset at her bf(best friend, its taken me a year to learn the lingo, the periodic table was easier to memorize than 13-year old twin-teen language) she constructed this poem, we are very proud of her!!
¥Reasons And Frustrations¥
I feel mad a frustrated no one understands
they judge me for who they see not what i am!
But what i am is what they see
its just like that that they see me!
Why is life so hard, too many complications
i cant go to the movies withought boundaries and foundations!
Populars, Goths, they're all the same
love, secrets there's too much pain!
But God put us here for a reason so we could overcome
all the stupid things people do and have done!
So just go along and dont give in
cuz the worst thing to do is commit a sin!
But we do everyday you cant avoid it
just keep strong, he'll help you through it!
Learn to love and forgive cuz its all u can do
and it'll be worth it wen he comes for you!
dr. h and i are into time pieces and are collectors of various watches, etc. that my bro in law sent us. he is really cool and fun. he and my sister live in ny and its their son whos the ny stock broker for chase manhattan who's married to the biophysicist beautiful asian girl. she is really nice and a great mom! my nephew was working at morgan stanley chase when 9/11 hit... a miracle and tender mercy of the Lord, his life was spared only because he was on vacation with my sis/bro in law and was not there at the time. unfortunately all of his dear friends were killed.
i am fascinated by time and its reckoning. i love 80's tv programming with shows like 'quantum leap'... quantum physics rocks! or reverberates according to string theory...i'll talk about string theory and dr. greene another day...
for now, i am having a great sunday and enjoying my time alone with dr. h. we don't have cable or tv, just a really cool big screen/sound system and about a million dollars worth of box sets and movies... i want to learn how to use link features more proficiently and will try to provide my lists of tv show boxsets, excellent movies and lds church movies.... the latter is personal to me as i was an actor in "true and living God"(restoration series/visitors' center movie) and "joy of the world". if you do watch either, lets see if you can figure out what "character" i portrayed....joy of the world came with your ensign several years ago... for free! needless to say, i made no residuals on that one!
I spoke to Rat (his name at google) very nice and extremely helpful.. Rat if you are reading this, you are quite good-looking yourself!
Anyway, I don't want to switch to the new template, so for now, i wanted to post a good blog's link for Samantha Stevens (please click on "fun/interestings..." link above to be be-witched...
Labels: interesting/fun blogs
Today was high council sunday. The speaker talked about enduring to the end, trials, daily scripture study and truly loving the Lord with all our hearts, might, mind and strength.
I love sundays..i feel fortunate to teach gospel doctrine to 18-30 year olds with dr. h... it is one of my favorite callings! Only one other comes closest, and that was teaching high school seminary, weekly in Arizona. I loved those kids so very much. I love my class! Sacrament meeting was really good today. C. the pharmacist was there, he's on the high council and always makes us laugh, plus he orders supplies for us and gives us the good doc discount. Today the 13 year olds did not have a teacher and c. told them as high councilman, they need to go to my class... he was really funny with them! I love teenagers and teaching in the Church. I've been in YW, seminary teacher and now gospel doctrine to the YSA and I feel humbled that the Lord allows me to have the best callings in the Church!Lol...I need them sometimes more than they probably need us. Isn't that the same with children and grandchildren? I love our kids. We have a big family, i almost wrote the amount of children but i am trying to keep this blog semi anon... my bish says i'm the only one that comes in for a temple recommend and mentions that i drink white, green tea. sometimes my ocd reaches record highs. i want to sometimes write "stream of consciousness" i loved my honors english class in h.s. and advanced eng in college. it was so fun to do various writing experiments.
back to kids, i think Heavenly Father gives them to us because we need them more than they need us sometimes. children give us a chance to set our sites higher, live better, become more loving etc. we have a yours/ours/mine situation and it is fun and interesting! so today my favorite talk was high councilman. He quoted some good scriptures and spoke with the Spirit, everyone was quiet and noone fell asleep! Some points he made and some scriptures I found after related to enduring to the end:
"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage: be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9 (besides having a handsome, smart nephew on a mission named joshua, i just love the book of joshua!)
"But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." Mosiah 14:5
"For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." Alma 34:32
My very favorite:
"For behold, it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ, which will point to you a straight course to eternal bliss, as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass which would point unto them a straight course to the promised land.
"And now I say, is there not a type in this thing? For just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise. O my son, do not let us be slothful because of the easiness of the way; for so was it prepared for them, that if they would look they might live even so it is with us. The way is prepared and if we will look we may live forever."
"And now, my son, see that ye take care of these things, yea see that ye look to God and live. Go unto this people and declare the word, and be sober. My son, Farewell." Alma 37:44-47"
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Born That Way? As A Scientist, I Disagree Strongly...
Ok.. finally a more serious post...
I was discussing homosexuality with dr. h the other day and after reading various journals, studies, NARTH articles etc.. I came to my own hypothesis with the help of my intelligent geneticist dr. h.
u-c dr. h took genetics with dr. cecil jacobson....the father of artificial insemination..he took his honors class! besides, dr h is a high risk pregnancy obgyn, surgeon and scientist...his theory, which i fully am in agreement with is the following..
Men who are homosexual, bisexual or SSA in or out of the lds church are in a state of "arrested development" as dr h puts it. he says "take an average 13 year old boy and put him next to a gay man (not literally, figuratively) and you have one and the same behavioral patterns, idiosyncrasies etc.
Did i say Narcissistic?
Did I say Harry Potter?
Narth scientific journal article says... "overwhelmed by the feminine, they HATE being controlled in any way"
Freudian "potty" and bodily function preoccupation
Ok, the last three are frequently present in adult gay males. But I can see where the logic follows. My ex S. was very narcissistic. Everything was about HIM. HIS pain, HIS depression, HIS bad childhood, HIS therapy sessions, HIS medications, HIS use of nitrous etc. HIS not wanting anyone to control him, or help him. He was so preoccupied with his issues, he didn't realize the rest of us, his family were becoming worn out!
back to the theory.. One study:
First year of all gay relationships, 60% of partners cheat on one another.
After first year, 90%, my goodness 90%!! cheat of their significant other.
Where is the security? the perseverance? The commitment?
Another study talks about the physical obsession gay men have with their body's shape, waist line, look. I love looking pretty and being in top shape, walking etc. So this is not really a problem area for me. But the difference is, if one is expecting their partner to be in perfect shape, stay physically top etc. and they fail to meet this expectation, most women will stay with their husbands if they gain/loose weight, get seriously ill etc. This study shows statistically this does not happen typically in the gay relationship. U know the Abrecrombie and Finch ads representing what they want in a partner.. as unrealistic as the Glamour ads are for women!
This fixation on the physical body reminds me of the awkward teenage years of any boy or girl. Its ok to want to look beautiful. I've always tried to look pretty etc. and some people in my family would call me a "perfectionist" in every way....My nickname at University was Diane from Cheers...Yup, i admit watching cheers on boxset this week with dr. h, is very spooky at times... I used to be told I looked like shelly long also, and finally saw cheers and was floored! but i digress...but i think even my gay friends will agree with me, that the physical is top on their list of what they want in a partner. Sex is important, one of Maslow's Basic Needs (the ladder rungs, i think it was 3rd from the top!)
Women seem to have qualities etc. that are needed during these times in a marriage. Think Carol Lynn Pearson taking care of her gay husband who died of AIDS. SHE was by his side day and night. Where was his narcissistic gay lover? Where was his boyfriend? Friends? They bailed on him.
I know their are exceptions, but they are few and far in-between.
Back to the arrested development theory.
Most of these men act like they are stuck between the ages of 12-16. Alot of men and women have had Same Sex attraction and even experienced experimentation, but they move on to adulthood and usually continue their life into heterosexuality. Which incidentally perpetuates the species, homosexuality most definitely does not. Although for unexplained reasons (scientific data lacking) gay men do reproduce with heterosexual women and have children, then continue to live gay lifestyle. I would love to see a study someday as to why this is. The most obvious answer is their need to create a posterity, children etc.
Anyway, dr. h feels that admiration of another boy/man etc. is very normal, but when it is sexualized that's when the trouble begins. I must say at this point that I have various gay friends in and out of the Church. I love them very much and do not blame them for their ssa. I am trying to discover why there are so many lds ssa coming out now and in the last 5 years.
I think it is that we live in a Telestial World. Environment + the personality of the child have to do with the grade of homosexuality in a person. Dominating, controlling moms with shy, sensitive boys seem to be a lethal mixture. My ex-husband's mom was controlling and very abusive. He was very withdrawn etc. Even though I am not controlling, he would identify me with his mom because of my activity in the lds church (very active).It was very sad to think of him as a child, and how truly mean she was to him. This is why i guess i forgive him and feel bad for him.
I think dr. h has something here. I do believe gay men are in a state of arrested development, emotionally hovering between 12-16. They still have the intelligence to go on to become Drs., dentists, lawyers, whatever, but emotionally, just like teen boys, are self-absorbed, immature and self-centered. In terms of them being fathers and husbands, the wives become "mother" to them as well as their children. Again, this is very emotionally draining for the woman married to the gay man. According to NARTH psych studies, these men started out associating with the feminine, then went on to dad associating with the masculine, but somewhere along the way, mom's controlling, over-molding behavior for her lack of emotional fulfillment with her own husband, is perpetrated on the little boy, then he doesn't quite connect with dad, hits his teens, has a sexual experience or two..either by choice, or through molestation, does not wish to date/associate with girls, and then continues on to homosexuality. Environment...not nature/born that way....Heavenly Father would not frustrate his own plan of happiness by sentencing these poor souls to such an awful fate. I believe these brothers and sisters had one or more of the above experiences in their early development and on... I'm speaking about birth to 3 years old, 3-5, 5-7, 8-11 etc..etc.
Well, not very scientifically put, but in my heart as a former gay mans wife, it makes perfect sense to me. I did love my former mother in law very much. I was devastated to hear the things she did and the lack of warmth she showed to my ex. According to him and other family members, she loved little babies and children up till age 6, she was very affectionate etc, then would cut off the affection and become abusive toward ages 7-up.
Very sad indeed. Well, My bishop is my home teacher and we were speaking about this today. He is very kind and loving. He is very intelligent and a professional man and agreed. I realize these are just opinions, but amongst the three of us and the many, many other professionals, wives of gay men in the Church I've met and therapists in and out of the Church, we seem to agree that these personality traits seem consistant.
I am intrigued reading some of the gay, married and lds blogging. Most of these men must not be too busy at their jobs to see the various times they are posting. One man blogs daily, posts morning noon and night and is a physician. My husband, an ob would never find the time with delivering 30 babies a month and surgery 4x a week! Then I discovered his green out of med school, that explains it! I often wonder if these men shouldn't be putting some of this energy into their marriages, the gospel, dailly scripture reading etc. Pres. Kimball use to say that without daily, intense scripture study, even he felt like he would drift away from the Lord. I am trying with dr. h to study 1 hour a day (just started!) it makes a difference to take the focus of the sin of the world etc. and back on to wholesome, gospel topics.
I needed to get these thoughts out, and I feel like blogging is a way to do this. I am being judgemental but honest when I say that I wonder what their wives (lds gay bloggers) lives are like, well I know very well what I think they are like but I mean knowing my ex husband was corresponding with other gay mormon men would not have helped me feel good. I think there is alot of titillation that goes on amongst these men. Alot of flirting if you will. They seem to try to impress one another much like a teen boy would do with a girl with their knowledge and wit.
I just find it interesting to see the dynamics in their blogging. I guess I am a true labrat...i love experimentation and the results and then re-examining data.
I kinda started my own experiment for now unpublished, on gay mormon married blogging. I see benefits but definate drawbacks to this. 1. these guys have professional jobs, some seem to post 5:30am, all throughout the day and night etc. I know that getting it out is good, but talking about your children naked and bathing seems inappropriate given that most married gay mormon men suffer with porn and masterbation problems and addictions. I would think corresponding with other bloggers with the same "addictions" pull triggers.
Anyway, that's just my opinion.
I don't know what the answer is for spence and others. I know the Lord is Love and so their is great hope and love for these brothers and sisters and their upbringing/trials. Just like we heterosexuals have our issues and temptations and backgrounds and yet are still expected to choose the right and follow the counsel of the Prophet, homosexual/ssa lds are expected to adhere to the commandments, filter thoughts of sight and sound and let only clean thoughts enter therein....
For as a man thinketh, so is he. So hetero/homosexuals both have to try to stay away from porn, stay morally clean, keep their thoughts clean etc.
lds.org has an excellent resource for this on the provident living link called "addiction and recovery" manual
I do not think spence was "born that way". I do believe through a series of very sad and unfortunate incidences he "became" ssa. He tried to do what is right by marrying in the temple.. but he should have given me the option to not marry him and save myself the pain and heartache. Again, I feel the men who are honest with their wives before marriage are amazing as are their wives.
I still love the men who are not honest with their wives, and out of the closet. I just feel that they are creating a slow poison that will eventually overtake them, their marriage and family. It is impossible to have such a clandestine relationship with a spouse and not suffer divorce etc. That is what I think happened to me and spence.
When i fell in love with dr. h, spences mom over the phone told me "spence drove you to fall in love with another man". I felt so bad for spence when i heard that from her. It was nice for her to understand my position, but i knew he needed her support, not me.
His dad, a very nice guy, flew out and took care of him when i moved out and started divorce proceedings. My heart did break for him and the pain i was causing him. I didn't wish to "get even" My anger did not come till years later. Delayed reaction i guess. I would listen to him plead for me to stay married to him etc. but i had to be true to myself and my needs. Not in a narcissistic way, but a realistic way.
Friday, January 19, 2007
I really like this....I have been looking on alot of the gay mormon married blogs lately...back when I was married to spence the gay-dentist I could not figure out his angst...i mean we married in the temple, dated only 5 months before he proposed, kissed alot while dating etc. so when he really didn't enjoy married life, I was perplexed.
You see, spence and I were best friends when we met. I was dating an orthopedic surgeon, very straight and i dumped the poor guy for spence. I'll never forget when the o.s. (gotta be careful he's married now and living in the same state as me, the orthopod i mean) anyway this o.s. asked spence "what are your intentions with kittywaymo(well, he said my name) this is at a singles dance mind you.
spence said, "there's nothing going on, i'm dating patti (who just got off her mission, cute big chested blonde, but not very well-read, shall we say) anyway, needless to say spence and i got together one month later when a friend at the radio station i worked with took the discussions, u-c spence was the mission leader of the ward. I sometimes get miffed there were no "gaydar" signs for me to follow while i dated spence. Sure he was the first guy in my life that never tried to feel me up...and I'm pretty unendowed in the chest dept (very endowed in the lds dept thought:)
I found it odd cause even the orthopedic surgeon had the wondering hands syndrome but was a very good sport when I tried to keep us "moral".
Spence, he would be the one in control of the "moral" dept. He would stop us if we got too hot and heavy with the kissing. I never gave it a second thought. He said he loved kissing, we would kiss for hours, he's dentist I trusted his professional expertise in the maxiofacial/mouth area.
But on our honeymoon i guess i knew something wasn't right, but being that i didn't have alot of experience, i wasn't sure just what.
Well, i'll post more later, i find i need humour when talking about spence and i's relationship cause it was very painful...imagine that a painful dentist...as a former dentist wife....i needed love Nitrous.. dr. bh came along...,my current husband and boy...am i getting the high of my life now with a heterosexual man. It is very different. I feel fulfilled emotionally sexually and as a person.
with spence, i felt like i was constantly giving, giving my unconditional love, support for his depression, mood swings and anger, drained of any nurishment that i so desperately needed to retain. I was so perplexed because he would always say "you are the only woman i ever loved" little did i know at the time, he really meant it! But when he suggested we live as "roommates" during our marriage, and why can't we go back to the way it was when we were best friends...(intellectually we really hit it off) i was floored.
I don't know how i feel about married mixed orientation couples because i suffered so very much in my marriage to spence. It was so exhausting being upbeat, sprititual and "strong" all the time. He never told me before we were married he was gay, but i did find pics of he and some friends nude from behind on a camping trip they had...i know, i can hear those who may be reading this going..."brokeback mountain...hello!" but when you are in love you accept the explanation..."we only had one bathing suit and wanted to go down the natural slip and slide into the lake...boy i could have fun with that previous sentence but i'm trying to keep my blog rated g.
I believed him! First of all, i discovered the pics cause i was nosey and going through a drawer in the living room while he was seeing patients and drilling teeth.. when i asked him, he looked flushed and laughed nervously. His explanation sounded innocent after all, it was "from the back" not frontal nudity. I never stopped to think till years later that..."why did he have these pics years later in the drawer in his living room under some papers?"
Ahhhh how naive...even though i have a genius i.q. i listened to my heart not my intellect and it told me "i believe you because i love you".
Well, someone suggested (another lds woman married who was married to a gay mormon man) that "isolation and secrecy are the greatest weapon Satan uses against us to destroy us" as an lds dentists wife back then, with all the prestige, married in the temple etc. i was mortified with what i later discovered in his dental school boxes... (no its not cadaver body parts...although dentists are known for their insanity...so are high i.q.'s though...)
It was a letter written to BYU newspaper saying the author is attracted to men but knows someday the Lord will bless him with a beautiful daughter of God who he can take to the Temple and there be sealed for all time and eternity...I was that "beautiful young lady" we were indeed sealed in the temple, and what began later was a rollercoaster ride that I am now just getting over, 9 years later....
My current obgyn husband is very supportive of my blogging. I feel so very blessed to have him in my life. I guess now that i feel safe, secure and happy its time to just forgive and move on. I have forgiven spence and moved on, but emotionally i feel he took something from me that i am just now replenishing. Alot of women married to gay mormon men who are NOT out of the closet yet relate to my feelings.
It is very difficult trying to act like everything is perfect when one is living in a twilight zone episode....
other elements like his working for ihs, moving me across the country far away from the support of my family and his, the explosive anger he exhibited and the decision i faced, all led to me getting my very own depression and anger.
I have worked through alot of the anger and feelings of being betrayed, but the problem is...he is still in the closet, never went to his Bishop etc.. and so when i left him and divorced him i had people judge me, and that hurt.
I feel it is not my place to report him to the Church or tell his current wife. She seems very sweet and innocent, and i often feel she is just as confused as me. I am too much of a coward to talk to her however. SOOO i am conflicted. Should i call her and tell her "hey, been there done that, do you need any help coping?" or should i mind my own business as yet another good lds girl gets her heart ripped out and smashed on the floor by a Narcissistic Dentist..(hey isn't that an oxymoron?)
well, i'm hoping this blogging thing and Heavenly Father can help me do the right thing, whatever that is. I hope i can truly forgive spence someday, and also not feel guilty for leaving him and divorcing him instead of "sticking it out".
These other women married to gay men, who KNEW they were marrying gay men are amazing to me...I guess i'm too logical to "stick it out" and saw the huge writing on the wall. BEING MARRIED TO A GAY MORMON MAN AS A STRAIGHT MORMON GIRL =NOTHIN' BUT PAIN AND HEARTACHE...and dangerously depleting levels of low self-esteem in the heapfulls...